As a psychologist, I’ve had the privilege of working with countless individuals who possess a remarkable capacity for kindness, generosity, and introspection. They are the first to offer the benefit of the doubt to others, to look inward and consider their own role in relational challenges. Yet, it is often these very strengths that can make them vulnerable to a subtle but deeply damaging form of emotional abuse: manipulation. If you find yourself frequently questioning your reality, your worth, and your sanity within your partnership, this blog is for you. I would like to offer up, to those of you who may be questioning, an exploration of the signs of manipulation; this is a very sensitive subject and my intention is not to place blame or diagnose others, but rather to empower you with the clarity and confidence to trust your instincts.
Ever sense a persistent, nagging feeling in your gut that something isn’t quite right? It’s worth listening to. Emotional abuse is often a quiet erosion of self, not a sudden, explosive event. It’s a slow drip of toxic behaviours that can leave you feeling confused, anxious, lost, trapped and isolated. Your partner may not fit the stereotypical image of an abuser (and there are no gender boundaries as to who can be a harmful manipulator); they may be charming, successful, and well-regarded by others. The abuse happens in the quiet moments, in the subtle twists of language and the strategic withholding of affection.
For those who are naturally empathetic and willing to see the best in others, recognizing these behaviours can be particularly challenging. You may be more inclined to make excuses for your partner, to internalize their criticisms, and to believe that if you just try harder, things will get better. In this blog entry I will try to provide a framework for understanding some of the most common manipulative tactics, helping you to validate your concerns and recognize that what you are experiencing is real.
Manipulative behaviour in a relationship is about power and control. It’s a way for one person to gain an advantage over the other, often by exploiting their kindness and sense of fairness. Here are some of the most common tactics to watch for:
Gaslighting: The Crazy-Making Fog
Gaslighting is a cornerstone of emotional abuse. It’s a systematic attempt to make you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and sanity. A partner who gaslights will blatantly lie, deny things they’ve said or done (even with proof), and tell you that you’re “too sensitive,”“overreacting,” or “imagining things.”
Over time, gaslighting can be incredibly disorienting. You may start to second-guess yourself constantly, apologize for things that aren’t your fault, and feel a pervasive sense of confusion and anxiety.
Love Bombing: The Overwhelming Onslaught of Affection
Love bombing is an intense and often overwhelming display of affection and attention at the beginning of a relationship. It can feel incredibly flattering and create a powerful sense of connection and intimacy very quickly. However, its purpose is to create a sense of indebtedness and dependency.
The danger of love bombing is that it creates a stark contrast to the devaluation and criticism that often follows. You may find yourself constantly trying to get back to that initial, idyllic phase of the relationship, excusing subsequent bad behaviour in the hope that the "lovebomber" will return.
Isolation: The Slow Severing of Support
A manipulative partner will often try to cut you off from your support network of friends and family. This is a strategic move to increase your dependence on them and make it harder for you to leave.
This isolation can happen so gradually that you may not realize it’s occurring until you feel completely alone.
Intermittent Reinforcement: The Unpredictable Cycle of Hot and Cold
This tactic involves alternating between periods of affection and kindness and periods of cruelty, criticism, or silence. This unpredictability creates a powerful and addictive emotional bond, much like a slot machine. You keep hoping for the "win" (the affection), and this keeps you hooked in the relationship.
This cycle can be incredibly damaging to your self-esteem, leaving you feeling like you’re constantly walking on eggshells and desperate for your partner’s approval.
Trusting Yourself: The First Step to Reclaiming Your Reality
If these descriptions resonate with your own experiences, it is crucial to understand that you are not to blame for being the target of manipulation. Your kindness, empathy, and willingness to self-reflect are not weaknesses; they are qualities that a manipulator has learned to exploit for their own gain.
The first and most important step is to begin trusting your own perceptions again. Keep a private journal of interactions and your feelings. This can help you to see patterns more clearly and to counteract the effects of gaslighting. Confide in a trusted friend, family member, or a qualified therapist who can offer an outside perspective and validate your experiences.
Remember, a healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and open communication. It should be a source of support and empowerment, not a constant battle for your sanity and self-worth. In addition, if you recognize that fear is a big driver in the relationship, this is probably a very good reason to begin to question whether you are in a warm, supportive, mutually respectful relationship. Remember, conditional love, intransigence, refusal to admit wrongdoing or take responsibility may reflect personality characteristics that will persist over time and insidiously dissolve your own self-esteem and confidence in your judgment.
Recognizing the signs of manipulation is a courageous act of self-love and the first step towards a future where you are free to be your kind, generous, and authentic self, without fear of exploitation. You deserve to feel emotionally safe, respected, and cherished for who you are.
Believe me, I have seen many, many cases of individuals questioning their sanity, blaming themselves and feeling guilty, feeling that a relationship of "crazy-making" has them so confused they don’t trust themselves or understand anymore. Very unfortunately, when we try to apply our own understanding of society’s “rules of conduct” in toxic relationships, those rules strangely often don’t seem to apply. This can amplify confusion and contribute to disorientation, self-blame and a sense of feeling lost.
I wish, from the bottom of my heart, that if you find yourself in doubt about whether you are in a manipulative relationship, you now feel better tooled to detect red flags, protect your integrity and self-worth, and move forward confidently and with more peace in your heart.
Stay true to yourself. You may not be perfect, but you are probably stronger, more resilient, and more worthy than you realize. Love too, is far from perfect, but it shouldn’t be laden with fear, walking on eggshells and self-doubt. True love uplifts. True love values. True love frees us to be ourselves.
The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life by Dr. Robin Stern: A foundational book on the topic, Dr. Stern clearly defines gaslighting, provides real-world examples, and offers a path toward recovery.
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft: While focused on male perpetrators, Bancroft’s insights into the thinking, tactics, and motivations of abusive individuals are invaluable for anyone seeking to understand controlling behaviour in a partner.
Psychopath Free: Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People by Jackson MacKenzie: This book offers validation and a clear-eyed view of toxic relationships, outlining common manipulative behaviours and providing a roadmap for healing and setting boundaries.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller: For a proactive approach, this book helps readers understand their own attachment style, which can provide insight into why they may be more susceptible to certain relationship dynamics and how to foster healthier, more secure bonds.
Domestic Abuse Help in Canada: Even if you aren’t sure if there is manipulation or abuse in your relationship, this site is a rich source of information and responses to commonly asked questions about the many faces of abuse and the options available to individuals facing it.
Psychology Today- "Toxic Relationships": This section of their website provides a vast collection of articles written by mental health professionals on the nuances of unhealthy relationships, personality disorders, and healing from emotional abuse.
HelpGuide.org: A non-profit resource that offers evidence-based information on mental health and wellness. Their articles on abuse, gaslighting, and healthy relationships are both practical and easy to understand.
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Support (NARS): This organization provides resources and support specifically for individuals who have experienced narcissistic abuse, a common personality style associated with severe emotional manipulation.